What's going DOWN?

Lewis Brendan

Hi Paul, hi Katrina,
I spoke with Ian on the phone the other day and he told me you might have some good advice regarding an issue I've been struggling with lately...
I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a few years, and although I'm on good medication, and see a good counselor, I still get days where I feel like life is just too hard. And then I think, who am I to say it's too hard? - I've lived a very privileged life with barely any trauma of any kind!
What kind of mind decides that a great life just isn't worth living?
I feel like I'm trying to claw my way out of this pit with a spoon but every time i get a foothold the wall crumbles away. What kind of hope of getting out do I have? They say depression is something I'll have to learn to live with, learn to beat on a daily basis. Will I spend my whole life struggling to stay positive? Unable to live life to the full because every day I have to start that battle again?
Ian said that your family has some experience dealing with this stuff. I don't want to pry, but I could really use some help.

Sincerely, Lewis


to Lewis,
cc: Katrina

We're all different in this family. Different personalities, different struggles, so I'll leave it to Katrina to answer from her perspective & experience. But I can tell you what I've experienced. Maybe I'll answer in-line below... And, thanks for sharing so candidly with us, Lewis. I have shared my thoughts candidly too.

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My biggest battle seems to be against the accepted wisdom of "significant" parts of my society, to "remember (before even "who i am") whose i am", - certainly not My Own! For i recall that i am a derived being & my own identity is derived, via many conduits, from another's, one who stands alone, who could say simply: "I AM". Now I remember whose ... I AM!

PauLindsaYValkeR

On  April 2014 17:19, Lewis  Brendan   wrote:

Hi Paul, hi Katrina,

I spoke with Ian on the phone the other day and he told me you might have some good advice regarding an issue I've been struggling with lately... 

I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a few years, and although I'm on good medication, and see a good counselor, I still get days where I feel like life is just too hard.

I remember a friend (who I think has also suffered from depression) saying to another person who was down at the time: "Remember, you've been here before, & you came out of it". A good thing to remember. A good discipline to get into.

And then I think, who am I to say it's too hard? - I've lived a very privileged life with barely any trauma of any kind! Yep, sometimes that's our problem - I think we all need to grow, and that seems to come with "trauma", stress, anxiety (at least at some level). Our youngest child nearly died at birth, probably because she had such a completely stress-free term, and then was born caesar a week early, so no stress then either. No surfactant got produced in her lungs. It seems like that comes with time, but also with the stress of the labour, and the massaging and "difficulty" of being born through the birth canal.

What kind of mind decides that a great life just isn't worth living? Good question.

I feel like I'm trying to claw my way out of this pit with a spoon but every time i get a foothold the wall crumbles away. Eeek, that must be horrible.

What kind of hope of getting out do I have? Can't answer that for you, or anyone else. But it does strike me that (at least it has seemed important in my journey to check that the biggest thing in my life is NOT to get rid of this problem. I will not be defined by any lack, or difficulty {though I must say that still, very often, my first reaction is to panic & run for cover, trying to escape from any undesirable situation or condition, especially if it is confusing or I don't understand where it is coming from or why I have it}). I am learning that the important thing is that I can trust my Father in Heaven to know what he's doing when he gave/gives me my sex, family, friends (some of which might have been horrible, as well as the good ones), language, culture, birthday, place of birth, etc (most of which I didn't choose). I can trust him too for my eye sight, my hands & feet's movement, my kidney function (which leads to gout, sometimes), my height, my bone structure, my number of limbs, my facial features & number of eyes, ears, nostrils, hare-lip-ness, voice pitch, as well as my present failing eye-sight (even though for most of my life I have had 20/20 vision). Once I start on a list like this I realize

1. there is a lot of good we have from God's hand, and what is my response going to be with respect to these good gifts? [This is very key for me]

2. some of these things I can influence (like the kind of food & drink I choose seems to  influence my gout) and some of them I can't [It might be good to try to work out which category I am in with each situation, to help me see how best to respond; to not try & be responsible for something I have no control over, or visa versa].
   

3. I am responsible to be a good steward of the good gifts I have received, to learn how best to use them & then to use them well.

4.  Sometimes the "bad-gift" is even from God (and all are at least allowed by him), in which case it can be used for much greater good by our Father, my job is to trust him, to allow him to work mightily in me. As much as it looks bad, will be as much as it is really better than the other "good" looking gifts. The "bad" gifts can in fact be extra special opportunities. [I know it still doesn't answer the question of fairness. Why do others miss out on these amazing opportunities? Another thing for me to trust God in. Sometimes we just have to thank God for good gifts & see that we are good stewards of them, not trying to compare ourselves with others and their gifts all the time. Galatians 6:4-9 ]
   

e.g. (if they don't make sense, you can ask me sometime about ...)

1. Jairus, whose daughter died while Jesus stopped to ask "Who touched me just now?" & then dealt with a lady with "women's problems", that she'd had for 12 years already (so it may well have seemed to Jairus that she'd last for another 3 or 4 hours, until after his daughter was saved from death).
2. The Syro-Phoenican women with the demon-ized daughter, whom Jesus seemed to "push away" saying "It's not right to give the children's bread to the dogs"
3. Thomas missing out on seeing the risen Jesus at first, when Jesus was seen by all the rest of the apostles (apart from Judas from Kerrioth).

Sometimes a gift melts away because it has done it's job, and the person just has to stand firm, hold on, or grow through it, like the first two above. Sometimes it is taken away because a person hasn't taken up the special opportunity they've been given, and it has a time-frame, like number 3 above.

Sometimes it may be a discipline (which doesn't have to be a punishment at all), and it may be needed for a short time or a season (which will rarely be more than 150yrs). Sometimes it is a test, which is probably a small discipline as above, and when I pass it, it disappears. A friend who is an alcoholic wants to be freed from this condition; some in his condition are freed in this life-time (& can drink wine with friends - like Jesus did, - though remember Jesus also got to be whipped and spat on, made a public spectacle of, and die painfully over a number of hours on a cross), others aren't freed from being an alcoholic & just have to become teetotalers (like John the Baptist was. John could have been upset about this, or he could thank God for the role he got to play, where John got to have his head cut off & died [probably] quickly & painlessly)

Further to this, I was thinking the other day about Saul, who didn't obey God's clear command about the animals & Agag. He could have repented, and set up his kingdom for David to take over, as God's anointed ruler, and borne his punishment as discipline from God, and have been like Moses; punished, but repentant & in good relations with God as he died. But, it seems like he wasn't going to give up his kingdom for anything, at least not easily. So instead of giving the kingdom to David, he got jealous of David. It says that God sent an evil spirit to him & sounds like he got very depressed (1 Sam 16:14; 19:9; music seemed to cheer him up a bit). I thought, if that was me, I'd want to thank God for the reign he had given me, apologize and ask for forgiveness, even though Samuel had said Saul wouldn't be, or ask Samuel what should be done, to die right with God... in other words nothing is more important than a right standing with God; humble myself, grovel, stop holding on to my pride, (David knew that God's loving kindness (Hesed) was better than life itself; Saul hung on to life, to Kingdom, to honour-in-the-eyes-of-men, rather than seeking God, or his forgiveness or loving-kindness) Sometimes God hides something to help us get it, or at least want to get it, so that we'll look for it & search for it with all our heart, and then find it & get it in such a way that we prize it for what it is worth. (Remember Jesus saying about the people who stayed on the outside...otherwise (if they looked & saw, or listened & heard,  they might turn from their sins & be forgiven, horror of horrors, now we wouldn't want that would we?, well not until we did want it!)

Acceptance from God's hand of the "good"(desirable) & the "bad"(undesirable). Like Job, at first. Not accepting the "bad" just so we'll get over it more quickly, though that is probably something worth considering, because I don't think God will allow undesirable things to those who are alive as his children, more than is "necessary", but knowing that although "All things are possible with God" he might ask me to drink any particular cup (of pain & suffering - remembering that Hebrews tells us that Jesus, son though he was, "learned obedience through the things he suffered"),

{When You've read this and understood it, feel free to ask me about my experience of a "black cloud" descending on me one afternoon, unaccountably to me, and seeming to suck all meaning & purpose & joy out of life....}

They say depression is something I'll have to learn to live with, learn to beat on a daily basis.

maybe, but as mentioned above, God will know what's best for the Angels, the world, & me.

Will I spend my whole life struggling to stay positive?

In my experience, I have taken to heart 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, though, as I think I've shared with you, I have found that I can only do it in reverse order. I have to start with the "be thankful in all circumstances", then I find that I am moving towards the "pray at all times" , then although I think I tried to obey God in the "Be joyful always" bit at first, I can't help it now, I am overcome by joy.

Unable to live life to the full because every day I have to start that battle again?

Even if you do have to do that every day, I think it may be more like my daily (or many times a day) discipline of having to kill the Judas me. At first it was a bit wearing and a bit scary. I think it wanted me to just give up, putting on the air that it was invincible, and that it would always come back. But now I know that it hasn't got a chance. It can't live more than another 100yrs, and I'll be alive & growing younger & more virile & strong daily for the next million years, then I'll really get going (that's the new creation me, that God has already started, and won't stop growing younger & stronger)

Ian said that your family has some experience dealing with this stuff. I don't want to pry, but I could really use some help.

Hope some of these thoughts can be of help to you as well as they have been a help to me. (Oh, plus the paragraph above, above my colourful name, is a help to me)

Sincerely, Lewis

 Sincerely, Paul.

p.s. since this correspondence I've been meditating on (and turned it into a song to help me think about it more often, and more deeply), this passage from the New Testament: 2 Cor 4:16-20. I've learned it in the Good News Bible's translation (GNB), and it often helps me keep perspective on the "small and temporary trouble we suffer"